The Midlife Spiral

Before I ingest the medicine there are tears. I share a story of trauma, a fear it will come up during my journey and that I will feel trapped in the memory. I decide to trust, my own mind, the facilitators and the medicine. I roll the capsules around on my tongue for a few moments, pause and then commit by washing them down with sweet orange juice. The music starts. The mask goes on.I recline with a deep sigh. The music starts to sound far away and bizarre.

I'm in an ostrich egg, rolling around and I see light above and below in the cracks that have started to form. I want to stick a wing out but the shell is too strong. I rip off my mask and say “its too much.”

The facilitators encourage me to stay. One offers me her hands to push against. I push against her, then shake my body fully and lay back down.

I am hurting. My gut is a twisted mess. The ceiling looks like sparkling snow and the facilitators like glowing goddesses holding my pain. Ugh I groan. Why does it have to hurt so much? I close my eyes again and see Egyptian pyramids and ancient faces and translucent images of the past.

Then the rapid fire hallucinations end and all that is left is emotion. So much releasing and flowing. My tears are coming from a well with no bottom. All the pain we hold, all the fear of the future and sadness from the past. And then slowly, reality feels more in reach. I stretch. I walk to the bathroom, my face composed in the mirror but swollen from tears. I want to go outside. I feel hunger again and my feet on the earth.

I am back to myself and yet altered in a way not visible to anyone outside my own mind.

I went out and circled in an endless labyrinth that landed me, gratefully, exhausted, right back in my own body.

My journey with psilocybin felt like a micro version of the journey I am on as a midlife woman. My shell is cracking. My wings are aching to stretch. I notice the desires, the dreams, that I had as a young woman, as my original adult self.

In the spiral outward, I went to become a mom, a wife, a nurse practitioner, a friend and a functioning part of society. In the center of that spiral, (where I am hopefully headed) is the person I was before all that spiraling outward. Before all those layers that are now part of me but are also too limiting. Too hard to break my wings through. All the trappings and ways I tried to please and fit in and act to make this experience of being human work on earth at this time as a woman.

If it feels like you aren't sure who you are anymore, if your values are shifting, if you have less tolerance for bullshit you are likely headed to your midlife spiral. If it seems like you are longing for something more for yourself but you are not quite sure what, you are likely at your midlife spiral. If you desire sovereignty and living on your own terms and you feel that you are going back towards your most authentic self, you are likely at your midlife spiral. It's a confusing and often painful journey. You will be forced to shed all the things that are not working. It’s a forced recalibration toward authenticity, limits, and meaning.

We created this project to support women in this phase to find community and to make their way back to their most authentic selves. To shed layers together and become the best version yet. And we are so grateful you are here!~ Liz and Sarah